


little by little (it will be fine)

by cityofflights



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Discussion of Mental Health, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, sonny leaves the da's office
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:41:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29779785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cityofflights/pseuds/cityofflights
Summary: “Or I could? What is it, you know I’m open to all suggestions”“There’s a few spots opening up at the Innocence Project. You could apply, your background in law enforcement would basically guarantee you a spot. We could work together if that’s something you wanted.” he pauses but when Sonny doesn’t do more than blink at him, he continues  “I mean I understand if your heart is set on the prosecution, hell that was me a few years ago but I just thought you should be aware that there are other good options where you don’t need to sell your soul out there.”or the one where Sonny leaves the DA'S office for the good of his mental health and goes to work at The Innocence Project with Rafael
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 23
Kudos: 61





	little by little (it will be fine)

They met at least twice a week. Sometimes they have coffee, sometimes they get take-out and see a movie, sometimes Sonny cooks for them, and sometimes they just talk.  They talk all the time, texts and nightly calls making their way into their routine and it should feel weird but it doesn't. It just feels right.

It started tentatively a few months into his new job with the DA's office, Rafael reaching out one day to offer his late congratulations and a friendly ear in case it was needed and it had only grown from there.

They're not dating, that much Sonny knows, because their get-togethers never end with more than a long hug, despite the longing inside his head and heart screaming at him to press their lips together and never let go.

He doesn't know if it's just supposed to be a friendship, if long looks and soft touches are the way Rafael acts with his friends when he's not wearing the weight of the world on his shoulders, or if it's something more, something that has been building and shimmering between them for longer than probably both of them know.

Sonny doesn't know but he also doesn't ask, scared that drawing attention to the nature of their relationship will cause it to cease immediately. He wouldn't be able to take it, he's sure of that. The happiness he feels whenever he's around Rafael only highlights its absence in the other aspects of his life. His smiles seem scarce and far in between when he tries to recall them.

And so he does what is already a habit for him. He calls Rafael, late at night laying in bed with his voice in his ear and his face in his mind, and tells him. How the job doesn't make him happy, how everyone expects something from him, except they want it from this version of him that lives in their heads, that can do what they need and still walk away intact. 

"It feels like I'm running around trying to compete with myself and yet I always end up on the losing side" Rafael had been quiet during his venting, only making little agreement noises here and there as if to reassure Sonny he was still listening. 

“Have you talked to them about this? Maybe they don’t fully realize what they’re doing” his voice soft and sleepy, and as he checks the digital clock on his nightstand to see that they had been on the phone for almost two hours now, midnight having come and go without him noticing Sonny can’t help but feel guilty at preventing the other man to get some sleep.

“They’re all detectives Raf, I’m pretty sure they noticed things aren’t alright. It’s their choice to pin it all on me and I’m not going to waste my time trying to defend myself. I shouldn’t have too” he takes a deep breath to regain control, to calm the anger that seems to always be just below the surface, waiting for a chance to claw its way out “Look it’s late you should get some sleep, I’m sorry I didn’t even let you talk at all”

“It’s alright I like to hear you talk, besides it sounded like you really needed to. How about you come over tomorrow? We can talk some more and I’ll make us dinner” he swears his heart grows two sizes whenever Rafael makes these types of comments without even realizing the impact they have on Sonny. He doesn’t look too closely at the implications of feeling so emotional just because someone wants to hear him talk, that’s something he knows his therapist will be all too glad to discuss with him on their next session. 

“You will make us dinner? Are you trying to convince me not to go?” he jokes mainly because he wants to hear Rafael laugh and when he does it’s impossible to stop the smile tugging at his lips

“Okay smartass I will order take out but just because of that you will help with the dishes” Sonny scoffs at the implication he wouldn’t help cleaning up otherwise before bidding goodnight to Rafael. 

After they hang up Sonny holds the phone tightly to his ear for a beat longer before putting it away. As he drifts to sleep he prays he’ll dream of green eyes and sweet touches instead of blood-soaked nightmares.

The next day passes in a flash and soon he was standing at Rafael’s doorstep with a six-pack of the only beer Sonny knew the man liked in hand. He knocked and within seconds the door opened.

Rafael was barefoot, wearing black pants and a sweater Sonny remembered lending him once when he got caught by the pouring rain on his way to Sonny’s apartment. And if the sight of Rafael so comfortable wearing his clothes at his place wasn’t enough to leave him little-headed and giddy, the hug he was pulled into as soon as he got inside did it for him.

Sonny was sure Rafael could feel his racing heart against his chest but he quickly found that it didn’t matter. Nothing else really mattered when he got to hold Rafael close. 

As he said before it wasn’t unusual for them to hug but it almost always happened at the end of the night when they were drunk on sleep and too tired to try and fight the pull drawing them to each other. It never happened when the world was awake around them and the daylight still made its way through the half-drawn curtains.

Not that Sonny was complaining. He really wasn’t.

After what felt simultaneous like 3 hours and five minutes, Rafael stepped away from him and in response to Sonny’s questioning look he shrugged and said “Yesterday it really sounded like you needed a hug”

He took a sharp breath and felt his face go warm, both things didn’t go unnoticed by Rafael if his smirk was anything to go by but he said nothing else, only gesturing to his kitchen where the table was already set with take-out boxes all around it.

“It’s Thay, I didn’t know what you were in the mood for so I ordered a bit of everything” 

What he doesn’t say but Sonny can hear all the same is  _ I know you haven’t been eating well lately. _

They eat in comfortable silence, and Sonny feels himself relax. Despite the fact that their friendship had been growing strong for a few months now, he couldn’t shut down completely the small voice in his head that said Rafael would soon grow tired of his company and would no longer want to spend time with him. 

Fortunately for him the smiles the man gave him whenever they were together helped put his mind at ease.

Once dinner was finished and the plates were cleared, they moved to the couch in the living room. It was a spacious couch, enough space for them to sit without making contact with each other but that wasn’t really what they were going for.

Instead, they sat towards the middle, facing each other and touching at least in three different points.

“So you were telling me about the problems with the squad?”

“I just don’t think they really see me as a lawyer, not at 100%. To them, I’ll always be part Detective Carisi and while that’s a part of my life I look back on fondly it’s over now and I can’t do my actual job if they keep expecting me to act like I’m still a cop,” While he talked he reached for Rafael’s hands and started to play with his fingers. It helped to ground him to the moment, feeling something warm and alive in between in his hands, to remind him he wasn’t alone with his own demons. He had yet to explain it to Rafael but the man never seemed to do mind when he did it. “I feel frustrated, with them, with myself, with the cases. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself and I got tell you Raf it’s pretty fucking scary. I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t know what I can do to change.”

“Maybe a change of environment could help, have you considered switching units? You’ve done amazing work at SVU but if you have to hold on so tightly to keep it all together then maybe it’s a sign you should let go.”

“What does it say about my abilities as a lawyer if not even after two years I ask to switch? And you know damn well Liv would fight me on this, can’t blame her she would probably be stuck with an ADA you otherwise wouldn’t touch a sex crime with a ten-foot pole. And not to talk about Rollins, she basically said I abandoned her when I stopped being a cop, wonder what wonderful insight she would have on completely changing units” his mind is racing and his breaths are coming in short.

He can feel the panic building in his chest, so he closes his eyes and tries to recall the breathing exercises his doctor had taught him. He keeps holding onto Rafael’s hand who in turn rubs slow circles on his skin with his thumb.

When he opens his eyes again he’s met with a concerned look and Sonny has the sudden need to kiss away the worried frown between his brows but instead, he takes another deep breath and squeezes the hand still in his.

“I guess that’s proof enough that the current situation isn’t really working out” he tries to crack a smile but it comes out weak and the frown in Rafael’s face only deepens “Do you really think working another unit would work out?”

“Yes, it’s clear to see you can’t keep going like this. But I also think you need to identify all of the roots of the problem. Because if it’s only the squad then you could probably get into Brooklyn or Queens SVU. But if the cases are getting too much, there are many other units where I know you would be brilliant. Or you could-” he stops himself and looks away but at least he stopped frowning so Sonny takes it as a victory.

“Or I could? What is it, you know I’m open to all suggestions”

“There’s a few spots opening up at the Innocence Project. You could apply, your background in law enforcement would basically guarantee you a spot. We could work together if that’s something you wanted.” he pauses but when Sonny doesn’t do more than blink at him, he continues “I mean I understand if your heart is set on the prosecution, hell that was me a few years ago but I just thought you should be aware that there are other good options where you don’t need to sell your soul out there.”

“The Innocence Project?”

“Yes”

“With you?”

“Yes”

“That sounds nice. Really nice”

The day Sonny sends his resignation letter he feels like the tiniest weight got lifted off his chest. That same day he sits down with the squad and talks at length about why he did what he did. When Liv hugs him and Amanda apologizes he feels better.

The day Sonny starts at the Innocence Project, Rafael gives him a tour of the place and tells him how proud of him he is. When they kiss under the white lights of the hallway on his apartment complex he feels better.

The day Sonny wins his first case as a defense attorney Bayard Ellis shakes his hand and tells him what a great contribution to the team he is. When Rafael tries to cook diner for him in celebration but ends up burning it because they got too distracted making out to pay attention to the oven he feels better.

Some days are still hard, the fear of failure and disappointment still there, but for the most part Sonny feels better.

He feels fine.

Happy.

Complete.

In love.

And that’s more he ever dared to wish for.


End file.
